When your child lies to you, you may think it means they do not trust you, you are not safe, they are not safe, you are not a good parent, or any number of other distorted thoughts. If you were thinking clearly you would have learned, over the past however long that your child has been lying to you, that your repeated reaction of yelling, giving a consequence, or getting angry is not working to end the problem behavior. You may feel angry, act angry, yell, spit, and fuss but the truth is that you are scared about your child’s lying. In reality, you are not angry at your child for lying. What is the first tool you typically pull out of your parenting toolbox when your child lies?īut if we use the key – understanding that our child has acted out of fear rather than sheer defiance or poor character, they will be able to begin the process of calming their own fears first and then the fears of their child. See the cycle here? It is up to us as parents to be able to stop/step outside of the emotional turmoil so we can teach our children to do the same. There is no doubt that being faced with one of these situations would send any parent into a “fear-full” state thus opening the door to “poor decisions” on our part. This is a key not only for children, but for us as well. If your children were not in a fearful (stressful) state, they would have been able to think through their problem and would not have chosen the same solution. When your child lies (applicable to adults as well) Remember to see a child who is caught in his fear and has selected lying as the safest solution for their self-preservation. Any attempts to teach the child in moments of emotional stress will be ineffective because the child will not clearly process or remember what is being taught. Trying to talk logic and reason at this point is rarely effective. Therefore, in the midst of a stressful situation, the child is no longer thinking clearly. In times of stress our thinking becomes confused and distorted and our short-term memory does not work effectively. The sooner you can grasp this concept, the quicker you will see your child’s behaviors begin to transform. Underneath lying, there is first the experience of stress. This means that all other feelings are the display of one of the primary emotions in disguise. There are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. Ready?īut please keep in mind that even with the magic formula, your past years of embedded patterns and conditioning will resurface, in an attempt influence you to change or add to the equation. You cannot interrupt the process with your own attempts to teach or punish. If we can get really good with this approach with lying, we can begin to apply it to other behaviors. Would you be surprised to find out that there is a simple formula guaranteed to end your battle with lying? We are going to walk through this formula with the foundational understanding.
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